Scientist Turned Ghostbuster (and Vampirebuster)

Copyright 2019 by Gary L. Pullman

Are you afraid of vampires?

Do you sleep with a cross or a crucifix around your neck?

Does your house (and your breath) smell like garlic?

Do you keep a bottle of holy water on hand?

Are you careful to be home by dark every day?

Could an unsuspecting guest stumble upon a few wooden stakes and a mallet stashed in your dresser?

If so, you need not fear bloodsucking dead people any longer!

A scientist has come to the rescue with a mathematical proof against the possibility of the existence of vampires!

University of Central Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou starts with the human population on January 1, 1600, which was 536,870,911. On this day, the first vampire appears and bites one person each month. On the first day of February, there are two bloodsucking freaks. On March 1, 1600, there are four vampires. In 2.5 years, there are no more humans to feed on, because everyone on the planet has been turned into a vampire! There's no food left for the bloodsuckers, so they die of starvation. (On the downside, there are no more people, either.)

Not even doubling the human birthrate (if such a gambit were possible) could save the human species, Dr. Efthimiou says: “In the long run, humans cannot survive under these conditions, even if our population were doubling each month. And doubling is clearly way beyond the human capacity of reproduction.”

So, there you have it, thanks to Professor Efthimiou: there's no need to fear the existence of vampires. If there were, both vampires and humans would have disappeared in mid-1603. Since we humans, at least, are still here, there obviously are no such things as vampires.

For some folks, ghosts are scary phenomena, too, but there's no need to worry about these spectral beings, either, another scientist says.

Dr. Brian Cox, a physicist, has proved there aren't any ghosts, either. If they did exist, they'd be entities of pure energy, since, by definition, they're incorporeal. According to the second law of thermodynamics, energy is always “lost to heat”; therefore, ghosts, as beings of pure energy, would soon drift apart and cease to exist. 

 

Scottoline and Serritella

Copyright 2019 by Gary L. Pullman

 

In I See Life Through Rose-Colored Glasses, mother-daughter team Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella are back, each contributing alternating essays—or, rather, “True Stories and Confessions.”

In doing so, the ladies employ a variety of techniques to effect humor about everyday situations to which their readers (presumably, for the most part, other women) can readily relate.

The essays tend to be short, about three to four pages, or 1,100 to 1,450 words, each. Many of the paragraphs are single sentences, but even the longer ones are typically no more than three of four.

Let's take a look at Lisa's “Lost and Found,” which weighs in at a bit under three pages.

Page 1

She starts with a rhetorical question, “Did you hear the news?” This question, of course, prompts another question in her readers' minds: what news? It also allows Lisa to introduce the topic of her essay, as she supplies the answer to her own question in the next sentence-paragraph: “They discovered a new organ.”

This fact is, very likely, news to many, perhaps most, of Lisa's readers.

Although her readers may be wondering when “they” found this new organ, Lisa surprises them by stating where it was located: “All this time, it was in your body.” (The “your” certainly personalizes her statement.)

Perhaps, as she writes her essay, Lisa imagines herself in a conversation with her readers as they (or at least Lisa) sip rose a glass of rose wine. If so, she must have imagined them declaring, “You're kidding!” because she states, “Not even kidding.” Imagined dialogue keeps the written dialogue natural.

Why hadn't they found the missing organ before now? Readers might ask. Lisa has an answer ready for them: “Maybe they were looking outside?”

Now, having introduced the topic, Lisa offers a few salient facts, as background: “Anyway [almost as if she's offering an aside, rather than context, keeping it casual], an Irish surgeon, Dr. J. Calvin Coffey, discovered that we have something in our stomach called a mesentery.”

Then, she hits her readers with a play on words, always a surefire way to get a smile, if not a belly laugh: “Before now, the mesentery was a mystery.”

Then, back to the surgeon: “Dr. Coffey teaches at the University of Limerick”—readers just know a pun is coming, and Lisa doesn't disappoint—“otherwise well known for its limericks.”

Having introduced limericks, Lisa offers the first line of a possible such poem, by way of example: “There once was a mesentery from Nantucket . . .”

Then, she defines her term. (Notice the way she breaks up the exposition as she interleaves a bit of nonsense with her straight talk?) “Evidently, the mesentery connects the intestine to the abdomen, and as Dr. Coffey explained, 'It keeps the intestine in a particular shape, so when you stand up, your intestine doesn't fall into your pelvis.” Lisa imagines a response from the peanut gallery: “Well, hell. That's a good thing.” She follows up the peanut gallery comment with a comparison: “It's like Spanks for your colorectal system.” Next, she personifies the mesentery by thanking it: “Thanks, mesentery!”

Lisa makes a claim and then offers a couple of absurd “reasons” to support it (a favorite device of humorists). “Meanwhile, I might be in love with Dr. Coffey [claim]. He has a way with words [absurd reason one]. And also if he could find a mesentery, he could find my car keys” [absurd reason two, which, being even more ridiculous than reason 1, tops the previous reason].

Page 2

We could continue to identify and analyze Lisa's techniques for effecting humor, because we're on only page 2 of a 3-page essay, but, instead, let's switch over to Francesca, who pens the next essay, the four-page “Happy Birthday to Me?”

Page 1

Like most humorists, she starts with a claim that announces her topic, planning one's own birthday. Her next sentence (paragraph two) grants a concession or two, and, in the process, acts as a “straight man,” setting up the punchline to be delivered in the essay's third sentence-paragraph: “Sure, there are years where a best friend or significant other steps up, but in my history, some years I planned it myself.” Then, the punchline, as Francesca admits, “Okay, every year I've planned it myself.”

After telling her readers that the task drives her “completely insane,” she repeats her assertion in different words: “I'm well adjusted eleven months out of the year, but when planning my birthday, I become my most neurotic self.” in her next sentence-paragraph, she intensifies her claim, declaring “It's agony.” She's creating suspense; her readers are expecting a big payoff (laughs).

Francesca changes gears, as she heads off in another, unexpected direction, and her readers put their laughter on hold, trusting the laughs will come, by and by, and that they;ll be worth the wait.

She contrasts herself with others. “I wish I could be one of those people who is like, 'It's mah birthday, bitches!” but I go in the opposite direction. I'm filled with anxiety and insecurity over every aspect of it, obsessively concerned that my guests won't have a good time.” (Notice that Francesca peppers her dialogue with slang—and eye dialect—keeping it real.)

Her readers might wonder what sort of friends Francesca has; they don't seem very supportive. To correct this notion, she blames herself for casting aspersions on them: “It's like I forget they're my friends.”

Francesca wants her readers to remember that she's in turmoil, so she shares a fantasy: “My fantasy is that someone would throw a surprise birthday party for me, but I don't know how anyone would pull it off in real life [why not, readers may wonder, and Francesca tells them], because I'm such a nervous planner, I'd beat them to the punch. They'd have to throw it for me two months in advance to save me from the stress spiral that sucks me in each year.”

Now, she gets down to the details of birthday party planning, as she sees it: “It begins with the venue. I know I should just relax, choose a bar I like, and ask everyone to show up.”

Page 2

We could continue to identify and analyze Lisa's techniques for effecting humor, because we're on only page 2 of a 4-page essay, but, instead, let's list the other details she presents: invitations and cake.

Now, let's contrast the mom's general approach to writing humor with that of her daughter.

LISA

Paragraphs of only one or two sentences.

Rhetorical questions introduce topics, set up punchlines, or transition to new topics.

Imagined conversation between friends, Lisa herself being one of them, alternating with the identification of a topic or statement of a claim, followed by information or evidence.

Much exaggeration, but also puns, plays on words, comparisons, definitions, a catalogue (list), and examples.

FRANCESCA

Both one-sentence paragraphs and longer ones, consisting of as many as seven.

Identification of a topic or statement of a claim, followed by information or evidence, alternating, at times, with the identification of a problem, followed by a solution.

Division of a topic into related subtopics, followed by information or evidence. Items in series disguised as rhetorical questions.

Much exaggeration, but also anecdotes, digressions, repetitions, and admissions of self-doubt, anxiety, and obsession.

 

 Endings

How a humorist ends his or her humorous essay is as important as how he or she starts it.

Lisa catalogues the strange items she finds in her belly button: dog hair, “little shreds of tissue paper,” and other “foreign objects.” Her discoveries make her feel a connection with Dr. Coffey, because “we have so much in common.”

Throughout the bulk of her essay, Francesca has been concerned with the planning of her birthday party. It is only natural that she would end her essay with a description of the party itself. She has a wonderful time, rediscovers the facts that her “friends are easygoing and wonderful,” and finds them to be helpful and supportive. One of them takes 'charge of the candle lighting” and gets “everybody singing.” The result, Francesca confesses, makes “the disco dust totally worth it.”

Sample of Funny Lines

It should go without saying that a humorist must be able to write funny lines. An effective funny line sounds like an aphorism and, like aphorisms, or proverbs, for that matter, funny lines must fit the occasion for which they're written, succinctly summarizing a situation or proving a claim or just stating something in a fresh and lively manner. Here are a couple of funny lines in I See Life Through Rose-Colored Glasses:

My couch had more toenails than my cat.—Lisa

New hobbies are a great excuse to go shopping.—Francesca

Two Ways Cartoons Deliver Humor

One way to explore erotic humor is to check out cartoons online. What are the topics? How is the humor communicated?

In perusing a few such cartoons recently, I came up with quite a list of topics, including erectile dysfunction and infidelity.

Many of the cartoons communicate their humor in one of two ways: by starting with a comment or question that “sets up” a humorous response and ending with the humorous response, or punchline, itself. In one such cartoon, an older couple, apparently a husband and wife who've been married a number of years, sitting up in bed is discussing a problem:

Husband (Setup)	Wife (Punchline)
“Do you think the doctor could give me some pills to improve my sex urge?”	“No, lad; he can only heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

Bamforth & Co.

This cartoon provides a setting (the bedroom, at night); characters (husband and wife), a situation, implicit or directly stated (erectile dysfunction), and dialogue (speech bubbles in the cartoon designate the speech of both the husband and his wife).

In other cartoons, an image creates a context for which a caption, often representing the dialogue of one of the featured characters, provides a commentary or an explanation:

Image (Setup)	Caption (Punchline)
Two coed students, seated on a bench on campus, discuss another coed passing by, a male student ogling her.	“She was on the dean's list until the dean's wife heard about it.”

Playboy

 

As in the example, above, the humor is often derived from pun or other form of wordplay: “dean's list” referring, simultaneously, to an academic honor and to an actual list of names, a “black book,” kept by the dean.

The image provides the setting (a university campus), characters (the coed students and the male student), a situation (the student is on the dean's list), and a suggestion of dialogue (one coed is addressing another coed); dialogue is spoken only by one, not two characters, and it is represented outside the cartoon.

Structuring Humor, Part 2

Copyright 2019 by Gary L. Pullman

In describing Old School icons, the authors suggest that it's their personal traits and behavior that makes them Old School alumni. John Wayne is Old School because of his moral code of conduct, patriotism, his championing of democracy, his belief in “self-reliance,” and his knowledge that one creates one's “own opportunities” for “success” (11-13).

Billy Joel is an Old School graduate because of his perseverance, his belief “in himself,” his hard work, his acceptance of responsibility for his own actions, and his desire to “please his audience” (13-15).

 Tina Turner is an Old School scholar because of her persistence in following her dreams, her hard work, her “will and determination,” and her ability and practice of thinking “for herself” (15-18).

Chris Kyle is an Old School grad because of his military service, his support for veterans, his patriotism, his courage, and his willingness to do what was required of him to protect his fellow soldiers and to defend his country (18-20).

The next chapter, “Snowdrift” provides commentary and examples of the drift of U. S. society toward becoming a nation of “Snowflakes.” The anecdotes include a Little League player who stops running on his way to home plate and is tagged out, a Little League coach's coaching, Feirstein's son's objecting to his father's characterization of a boy's denigration of them as “bad people” because they live in an exclusive neighborhood, and various reports of the Snowflake culture's invasion of “our college campuses” (21-28).

The latter list includes some of the better-known names in higher education: Yale University, Emory University, Oberlin College, Brown University, and the University of Missouri, concerning students' anxiety or outrage about Halloween costumes, Trump's name in chalk on campus sidewalks, a cafeteria rice dish, a debate about “rape culture,” the Republican National Convention, and various words and phrases which featured “microaggressions.” (In the “rape culture” incident, Brown University provided students with a “safe space” containing “cookies, coloring books, bubbles, Play-Doh, calming music, pillows, blankets, and a video of frolicking puppies” (27). 

Chapter 5, “Growing Up Old School” illustrates what it was like growing up in the 1960s for O'Reilly and Fierstein. It was during their childhood, the authors suggest, that they learned, primarily from their parents, schoolmates, and neighbors, the Old School values that, as Feirstein puts it, not only taught him “self-reliance” and work skills, but also how “to curse like an Old School sailor, with style, effect, and Olympic gold medal distinction” (33).

Chapter 5 also features “The Old School Guide to Modern Parenting,” a “comparison chart” that juxtaposes “Old School” and “Snowflake” answers to 16 basic questions as a means of helping the parents among their readers determine whether they are “in danger of bringing up a Snowflake” rather than “a child who can actually cope with the world” (36-37). This handy, dandy table is itself humorous enough to be worth the cost of the book. Several questions are linked: “Fourth birthday present?” (“Toys and stuffed animals” for Old Schoolers; “An iPhone” for Snowflakes) precedes the question “Child's greatest fear?” (“Getting a time out,'” Old Schoolers say; “Low batteries,” report Snowflakes).

The structure, so far, of Old School?

1. Introduction (“Greetings from 1973” and Chapter 1-2)
2. Case Studies (Chapter 3)
3. Snowflake Culture's Invasion of College Campuses (Chapter 4)
4. Growing Up Old School (Chapter 5)

Chapter 6, “Social,” examines the social lives of Old Schoolers back in the day. We'll save that for a later installment of “Structuring Humor.”

Structuring Humor

Copyright by Gary L. Pullman 2019

Humor—good humor, that is—is difficult in itself. Structuring humor can be an added challenge. That's why the aspiring humorist should analyze the work of professionals, such as Bill O'Reilly, author of Old School: Life in the sane Lane, and his co-author, Brice Feirstein. It seems safe to say that many would recognize O'Reilly's name as that of the host of The O'Reilly Factor, late of Fox News, but O'Reilly has also written a number of bestselling books. Feirstein, although less known to the public in general, is also a professional writer. As a screenwriter, he wrote the James Bond scripts for GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, and The World Is Not Enough, as well as many articles for such national periodicals as The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. Feirstein is also the author of Real Men Don't Eat Quiche and is a long-term contributing editor for Vanity Fair. Both O'Reilly and Feirstein have a keen sense of humor, as is evident in much of their work, including Old School.

So how did the authors structure their humor?

Old School starts with an introduction, “Greetings from 1973,” in which O'Reilly, using the metaphor of taking a ride in an automobile, promises to share the career path that led him into journalism after his interest in the subject was inspired by his teaching English and history at Pace High School in Opa-locka, Florida, “the crack capital of Dade County” during 1973, “a year when the U.S. government was falling apart.” He introduces the theme of the book by recounting the fact that, on the actual drive he took from Florida to Massachusetts, where he's been accepted as a student at Boston University, in the school's “broadcast journalism master's degree program,” which he undertook without benefit of an air conditioner, he advises people who complain about “their personal temperature” to “Stop,” adding the observation, “Life is not climate-controlled, people. Accept it. Don't be a Snowflake, a condition we will soon describe.”

Snowflakes, in fact, will become the target of O'Reilly's and Feirstein's humor, their adversaries who have been educated according to a curriculum far different than that of the Old School of which Old School's authors are alumni. Of course, humor often depends on targets or adversaries of one sort or another. Although humorists may be self-deprecating, the humorous opportunities offered by even the biggest ego is limited; a whole group of people, such as Snowflakes, offers many more targets for a pair of humorists.

In the first chapter of the book, “Preschool: Take Your Seat,” O'Reilly offers an anecdote about his father, Bill O'Reilly, Sr., who never let fashion get in the way of saving money. His father was happy to wear polyester, “mustard-yellow pants held up by red suspenders” that were too short for his 6'3” height. The dialogue between father and son is lively because of its allusions to history (the Great depression), fashion, an eye condition, and a disco band and the conflict between the generations that the respective speakers' points of view represents:

      “Dad, your pants are too short.”

      “Who are you, Oleg Cassini now?”

      “And what color is that?”

      “They're yellow. Do you have astigmatism?”

      “Come on, Dad, this is not a good presentation. You don't leave the house wearing those things, do you?”

      My father paused, giving me a look. He knew I was jazzing him, but his sense of humor overrode any offense.

      “Don't remember you checking out my wardrobe when I was paying for your college.”

      “Yeah, but you didn't look like one of the Village People back then.”

      My father actually laughed and walked into the kitchen. He wore those pants for years (1-2).

To the Old School attitude and behavior O'Reilly suggests by this anecdote, he and Feirstein will juxtapose those of their targets, the Snowflakes:

Now there is an ongoing battle between traditional Americans and those who want a kinder, gentler landscape full of “conversations” and group hugs, folks who believe that life must be fair and that, if it is not, there has to be a “safe space” available where they can cry things out (2).

O'Reilly next introduces his co-author, explaining how he and Feirstein met at Boston University; they're both “Old School,” O'Reilly explains, but they take different approaches to communicating with others who have opinions different than their own: “While I embrace an East Coast swagger, Feirstein does not immediately alienate half the universe as I have a tendency to do, but we're both Old School guys, as you will soon see. However, we take different buses to the school, which makes things interesting” (3).

Next, to further illustrate Old School teaching, O'Reilly lists examples of hypothetical situations in which he, his parents, or others might have been involved and his schoolmates and neighbors' reactions to his and his parents' behavior. A few illustrate the approach:

          If my mom had defended me after a kid-on-kid altercation, I could never have left the house again.

         If my dad had yelled at the Little League coach, air might have left the tires of our family car.

         If I'd borrowed money from another kid to buy a Three Musketeers and didn't pay it back, no one would have played with me.

         If a kid kicked someone in a fight, he was blacklisted. Only fists, and no hitting when someone was down.

    If a girl curse, silence ensued. For a long time. And boys never bothered girls because of the “Brother and His Large Friends” rule (4).

He sets up the next chapter with two short paragraphs at the end of chapter one:

       It is not Old School to live in the past, but remembering how things were as opposed to how things are now is a required course.

         So let's get started.

The title of the book's second chapter explains its mission: “Introducing the old School Curriculum.” A multiple-choice test quizzes readers on their actions and practices: “Do you still have a landline telephone?” “Do you still balance your checking account every month?” “If someone wishes you a 'Merry Christmas,' what's your immediate response?” “Which best reflects your view on dealing with terrorists?” What would you do “if you happen upon a raging warehouse fire late at night”? Then, the authors explain how members of the Old School conduct themselves in various situations, contrasting their behavior with that of Snowflakes. They suggest such individuals as Al Gore and Rosie O'Donnell are apt to be snowflakes, whereas Jack Nicholson, like Teddy Roosevelt, could be Old School.

Essentially, then, the introduction and the first two chapters of Old School introduce its topic, separate people into two groups, members of the Old School and Snowflakes, and suggests that Old School is easier exemplified than defined.

Chapter 3, “Old School Is in Session,” presents biographical sketches of four well-known members of the Old School: John Wayne, Billy Joel, Tina Turner, and Chris Kyle. We'll consider chapter 3 (and others) in future posts, coming soon to a computer near you.

Writing Prompts for Generating Humor

Copyright 2019 by Gary L. Pullman

Often, performing an exercise can be a way of generating humorous material. Envisioning humorous situations or occasions for humorous writing tends to get the creative juices flowing. To this end, I offer these writing prompts for humor.

Imagine an audience or an occasion. Perhaps you are giving a speech to a particular organization or to commemorate a certain historical event. Now, imagine that you are a well-known humorist—not a comedian (who performs, often in skits or in a stand-up routine delivering one-liners), but a humorist (who writes stories). With your audience or occasion in mind, write your humorous speech.

Rewrite a serious speech about a serious topic; make your rewrite humorous. Imagine “The Gettysburg Address” written not by Abraham Lincoln (who had a keen sense of humor himself), but by Mark Twain or Erma Bombeck.

Parody a great poem or one of William Shakespeare's soliloquies. Twain does just this, in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, in which The Duke and The Dauphin butcher Hamlet's soliloquy to humorous effect.

 

Explain why a supporting character should be the star of a short story, novel, or screenplay. Imagine I Love Lucy with Ethel Mertz, rather than Lucy Ricardo, as the main character or The Beverly Hillbillies with Milburn Drysdale and his wife as the major characters.

Create an imaginary argument between two characters with opposing views on the same topic.

Offer absurd applications of cutting-edge technology. For example, list reasons as to why men or women (or both) should be replaced by robots.

We claim to argue facts, using reason, but, often, desire comes first , arguments in support of our desires second, if at all. Write an argument based on a desire for something insignificant or “forbidden,” using irrelevant and ludicrous “reasons” to support your claims.

 Explain why an honored person, real or imaginary, should be reviled or why a reviled person, real or imagined, should be praised. If the person is real, use two real persons; if imaginary, use two imaginary persons. If the persons are real, write about men and women from the fairly distant past to avoid lawsuits!) Twain was forever trying to secure donations to build a statue to Adam, humanity's common ancestor.

Add a humorous character to a “serious” novel or short story in the public domain. Twain was once interested in creating a fictitious cabin boy to accompany Christopher Columbus on Columbus' explorations.

Tell a story from a different, humorous perspective.

Update a classic, such as The Rape of the Lock, for example.

Imagine a comedian substituting for an actor in an established role: W. C. Fields as Sheriff Andy Taylor, for instance.

Role reversal is often a good source of humor. What if Lucy Ricardo were a band leader and husband Ricky was a stay-at-home husband who aspired to fame and fortune?

Create seemingly absurd, but pointed (and pithy) maxims. Twain does this in Pudd'n'head Wilson. Here's one: “Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.”

Be a team of one! Examine a topic from a variety of perspectives, writing as if you have multiple personalities, each one of which was humorous in his or her own way.